GODBE, 2007

Today I'm a living dictionary. I've been spouting off words that eople say are big, but I've used them before. I suppose they're just now noticing it.My sister says, when we get to church, "I got a epiphany!" and thens he says "Wait, what's an epiphany?" and I reply, quickly, "A sudden moment of clarity and truth." and my dad blinks and says "Wow, that's a good definition." "I read the dictionary." I replied, lol.But something hit me this morning before church started...I almost didn't make it through this year. I've asked several people if I could come live with them, I have packed my bags and sat in my car several times, all at the beginning of the year though, lol. I saved up money and swore I'd leave,I wrote notes, letters telling people how I felt about them and why I was leaving, but I never did. If I had, what would ahve happened?I don't even want to think about it. I'm just glad I didn't...I mean...my step-dad abused my mom, emotionally and mentally, and my little brother and I had to watch it. She didn't tell us, on the contrary, we were trying to convince her to leave him. She was so close to giving up...I am so thankful that none of us gave up. Where would we be if one of all of us gave up? If I had given up, my mother would probably be i an institution, along with Lon, and my brother at the mercy of relatives. Or if mom had given up, I would be seperated from my little brother possibly indefinently. That would kill me.Anyone who knows me knows what I've been through, and what it has done to me. Some people argue "That's a part of life." Well, not for everyone. Not everyone can take it. Not everyone chooses to keep going. Not everyone has the strength God is allowing them to have to get through it.But I know that 2007 has prepared me for 2008, or possibly 2009+. This year has been horrible, and yet absoloutly wonderful at the same time. My mom left the dictator that was her husband, my brother's father, and found a man that loves her and DOESN'T freak out on her when the scissors are lost, or isn't an alchoholic. He doesn't berate us if we do something better than him or make us feel like we're horrible.I harbored so much hate for Lon, but now it's gone and I just feel...pity. And a small feeling of disgust, because he still tries to trick us. We know better, and will keep our guard up in the future.It's just sad that it took me a whole year to thank God for the hardships He's put me through. I DO love God, but sometimes my pain is used as an excuse to not see Him when He's here for me. He never left, and I knew that. I always knew He'd be there when I came back, ad here He is.Goodbye, 2007. Thank you, but good riddance XD

PFFFFTT!

fffffft!


That's what an epiphany sounds like in my head. Or clarity, I don't really know yet.

I need to grow up. Now. I'll be 18 in 8 months, and after all of this stuff at school, I've been letting the people around me influence me. I need new friends, ones who will hold me accountable for the wrong I do, or at least gently remind me when I stray. People I can pray with, and people who will lean on me as much as I need to lean on them.

But now that I know what I need, I jsut don't know how to attain it.

Ah, so many problems to conquer, so little time...There's the problem with my friend using m ex boyfriend as a sheild so she can see her girlfriend. Now, I don't lke my ex very much, seeng as how he pretty much ruined my reputation in a week, but he doesn't deserve to be used like that. And my freind's girlfreind is an even closer friend to me, and she feels horrible. And I feel horrible because he really like her but has no idea about what's going on.And like every other problem, I make myself sick over this by obsessing. But they're both begging me to not say anything to him because they really wanna see each other.My friend's mom found out that she had a girlfriend and made her break up with her, and told all of her teachers that they weren't allowed t be seen together. So she picks MY ex boyfiend, whom I still care for even though he's a jerk, and not even in that girlfriend way, just caring for him, and is now dating him so she can secretly see her girlfriend.And I'm also mad at Cody because he's probably doing what he did to me, jist better. They haven't slept together, like we did, but she's bi, and he likes that. That's why he went out with me because he thought I was bi, even though I told him over and over again that I'm not. He told all of our friends that not only wasw I bi, but I was a whore. I broke up with him. I asked him about it first, and he said that I had said that he cold tell people that as long as I didn't hear it. I told him that was rap and broke up with him 2 days later.Stupid boys!But I've been really mean to him to try to scare him off from Keria, his new girlfriend. Why? Cuz I was told to not TELL him anything, and the funny thing is, her girlfriend is with me on caring the crap out of him. She doesn't know what I'm doing, but she still wants me to scare him. I think I better ease up, cuz he threatened to take out a restraining order on me... XD

AI

Didn't make it. moe details when I'm on my computer, lol

And here it comes...

Well, tomorrow it happens. I leave for dallas. tomorrow I'll see my sister for the first time in 5 years. Saturday I'll see Josh and I'll register for American Idol. If not, then sunday, lol. But then Monday I'll try out. Sing. I just...have so many doubts. But it feels so right, I've been praying for so long about this, and all signs have pointed to "go". I'm just afraid I'm being set up for failure. I don't mind learning lessons, but I hate the pain that comes along with them. And the disappointment.

I can sing. I KNOW I can! And others seem to think so too. So why am Iso doubtful of myself? And WHY did we move to a place with CARPET and I have allergies now?

I'm so mad. I hate being by myself. My bro's at a friend's house and my mom's at work. And I don't like spending time alone with the new person. I jsut don't feel comfortable around them yet. I mean, they're not bad or mean, I'm just not used to them yet. I dunno. I'm just...out of sorts and so nervous!!!

EVIL (A Chorus of resistance)

Everyone down on the floor
No sudden moves and lock the door
I've got this feeling I'm chasing
I'll never rest until I find it
See, I've been plotting away
In my heart every day
To put this plan into action
And though I try to resist
I find the thing is this
Until I get it there's no satisfaction

Chorus
I want something you have
I want it oh so bad
Don’t move, hand it over
I won’t stop til it’s in my hands

Verse 2
Deep in the recess of every man is
a thief, a robber, a criminal
Below the surface of every hero
is an envy, a restless evil
And though I try to resist
I find the thing is this:
Until I get it there’s no satisfaction

(Chorus)

Chorus 2
I want something you have
You must meet my demands
Don’t move, hand it over
I won’t stop til it’s in my hands
Evil,
evil,
evil,
evil

(Chorus)

Something you have
Something you have
Something you have
In my hands

I'M LEAVING FOR.....

A month. roughly.
But there won't be any myspace, blogs, IM's, Facebook, or anything unless my friend will let me borrow hers, lol. Or I go to the library.
I know that a few of ya'll know about my situation at home. My parents are divorcing after years of my dad emotionally and verbally abusing my mom, my brother and I. They were married for 15 years, and finally, it's ending. I know that there will be alot of crap coming up, but just pray for us, think about us, whatever. I'm not so sure anymore.
But we're moving in to my mom's friend's house. He doesn't have internet (or food, furniture or anything fun..) So we've moved most of OUR stuff there, and the computer goes tomorrow, I think. Maybe later.
But I just want ya'll to know that I love ya'll, each one of ya'll, and I posted this same message on other board but that does NOT deter the feelings!
~~Kayla~~

So I met this guy...

I only have like 5 minutes to write this, lol.

But I met this guy, and he lives in Dallas. 5 hours away, which make sme sad. But he makes me wanna be a better person. When we talk, I laugh. He ALWAYS makes me feel better. Unless we disagree.

But he's so sweet to me. He stayed up until 2 am when he had to work the next day at 8:30 because I had to alert my family in case my dad drove up. He let me talk if I needed to. And in return, I let him talk when he broke up with his girlfriend.

But last night we stayed up until 4:30 am talking to each other about our problems. Last night he was so angry after his breakup. all of the people he thought were his friends didn't care about it, only a few people, including me, were genuinely concerned. I kept asking if he was okay. He thanked me for caring, lol.

But they broke up because he was talking to me, and he has never met me, and she didn't think I was important, that my friendship wasn't meaningful simply becasue I didn't live in Dallas. He argued. He said she just wanted to sit on the phone and talk about absoloutly nothing. He said he'd take being there for me when I needed it over talking about random meaningless crap any day. She didn't like that, and they broke up. He said he didn't even like her more than a friend, that they were just dating for fun. he says he's done with that, lol. He wants a relationship, not just dating. Because he wants kids, and she said she doesn't want to get married and have kids. He wants that, he made it clear he did. she made it clear she didn't.

I was a little upset when I heard that he used to have a girlfriend because I have a crush on him. But I never asked, and we weren't going out, we weren't dating. so I saw past that and realized we were jsut friends and I couldn't start acting like he was "mine" becasue he's not. He's my friend, but that's it.

But I gotta go. Work. :D I think I'll call him later on my break.

I"m getting confused now...

I had a dream about my dad a few nights ago. My mom siad he could come visit us, and he drove down here (It's like...4 hours away) and he gets out of the truck, right? Mom's talking on the phone in the hallway, Trev's on the 360, and I'm standing in the kitchen. My dad opens the door and walks 3 steps in. He waits, and I wait for him to say something. He hung his head and walked out and drove away. I started crying in my dream.

It was so weird...I felt so sorry for him. Maybe it's because I finally said in a letter how I felt about him. I mean...I'd never send it NOW. But I wanted to. Here it is::



Dad.
I don't know where to start. So I'll just start typing and hope you read it all.
I'm going to make it very clear, so you won't lie about anything. I'm also keeping a copy of this on my computer and putting another on the fridge. So now you can't lie about it.
And yes, that's what I think you are. A liar.
We're fine here. Better than we were when you were here. Why is that? Becasue you're not::
1. Screaming at us for stupid things.2. Making us afraid to have friends over because you were drunk or acting ridiculous.3. Blaming mom for everthing. She was the one person who loved you more than Grandma Anette. I don't know how though. And you ruined it. You ruined HER.
How DARE you? How DARE you make us think we were shit? How DARE you make mom go through all of that for you? HOW DARE YOU? Who do you think you are? And after ALL OF THAT, you're trying to worm your way BACK into our lives by telling lies about her! using Trevor, your OWN SON to do that! HOW DARE YOU!
I was afraid to make friends. and you told me I was incapable. I was socially inept, annoying, awful, stupid. That people didn' tlike me, there was something wrong with me. Unable to make friends. Guess what? I CAN make friends. I do make friends, I just didn't tell YOU.
And I hated what you did. All we did was ask you to stop being an ass. You can't even do that now, can you? We tried to reason with you, and you got so low by calling us bad people, bad Christians. You acted like a psychopath, and I hated you. I don't even know if I've stopped! And what do you care? You don't! All you want to do is get your grubby fingers back into mom's life so you can start controlling her again! If you REALLY loved us like you say you do, you'd leave us alone. Quit telling me you love me. I'm not falling for it. You NEVER loved me. If you did, I don't remember it. Only now, when you want something, do you tell me you love me. Only when you want me on your side, only when you want me to convince mom to get back to you, do you tell me you love me. I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR BULLSHIT ANYMORE!
And guess what? MOM HASN'T SAID ANYTHING TO ME. I've observed EVERYTHING because I'm not stupid, like you told me several times. Mom's even alseep as I write this! She doesn't even know I'm gonna send this to you!
And she told me before you started lying about what trevor said that she was thinking about calling and talking to you. Guess what? YOU RUINED THAT. Like you ruined everthing else.
And how DARE you not get the help you needed? What is wrong with you? ( like you've asked me thousands of times everytime I made a small mistake) Are you so arrogant that you think you don't need medical help? or maybe you thought it would make you look strong and tough, and make us respect you? Guess what? I haven't respected you for a long time. Becasue you never did what needed to be done, and did things that were absoloutly unneccesary.
You hurt me. Over and over and over again. For years. Every day. I nearly KILLED myself when I was 14!!!!!! And when I told you, you clapped your hands and said 'alright!" like we just said our team cheer after deciding on a gameplan at football! WHAT THE HELL?! Are you stupid? (Like you've asked me MILLIONS of times before) Your only daughter--granted you're not my REAL father and never acted like it--tried to die and you acted almost joyful.
I DON'T want to talk to you. Don't call me. Don't tell Trevor to tell me you love me. Send me a letter if you want to tell me anything. I will not talk to you on the phone. Dont you DARE even try and use Trevor as a proxy. Or Grandma. I will either not respond or hang up.
How DARE you.

Kayla.

Nightmare

I fell asleep around 1 AM last night and woke up at like 6:17 from a nightmare. In my nightmare my dad was home, just like the one before. But this time I was SCREAMING for him to get out. And it was so realistic.....Because my mom told him and I to sort out our problems by going into her bedroom and talking. I screamed "NO! I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM!" And ran into her room and locked the door. He breaks down the door and says "Kayla, just TALK to me!" and I say "NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't have anything to say!" And he kept begging me to talk to him and kept trying to hug me. I'd scream and push him away but he kept coming. I finally said "Fine, I'll talk. You wanna know why I'm mad?" And he said "No, just come out and PRETEND to be decent and loving and a good person so we can have our nice, happy family back, okay?" and those fake fucking tears came out. It was like a flashback. I let out this...unearthy howl...or scream...whatever...and starting beating the shit out of him. I had him on the ground and was just punching him, and my mom had to pull me off of him, and my dream ended.

I hate dreams sometimes.

It's 11:14 PM and I feel so alone.

I got home about 15 minutes ago from a birthday party for my freind. I spent 10 and a half hours with my friends and some people I had never met before. I had a blast! But now that I'm home, and my mom is out with her friends...I feel alone. The house is empty, and I realize how much I miss people. I dont' even have to be with anyone I know to have a great time anymore.

But in alot of sense I'm very lonely when I get home.

And I haven't been doing good without people. Now that I can admit I need people, I need them like a drug--I'm addicted to the presence of another person, and it's disheartening. I mean, I treasure my alone time, but only because before I didn't really have it. But now I have it alot!

*rubs eyes with hands*

I'm tired. GAHH. I'll write more when I'm sane.

Summer camp Experiance

Lord, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
I'm not scared cuz you're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left

~~Group 1 Crew~~

> That pic is my friend Jake, Brian, and rachel.

We get there (After like 8 hours...long boring hours of driving...might've been more.) and we get off of the bus (after thinking we were going to die from the huge hill we have to speed down, lol) and the workers squirt us with stuff. I get hit in th eye, hahaha.

We get this orientation thing and unload.

Okay, lemme say something first before I get into anything else. The EDGE people are CRAZY! Thank God is was a good kind of crazy. The only thing I didn't like was they were moshing during worship songs. What if someone had gotten hurt? I mean...maybe that's how they worship, but it made me so upset the first night that I went and sat in the very back. Some guy had, while I was in the middle, a little off to the side walked up, started elbowing me (he had plenty of rom, lol) and I playfully bumped him with my hip. a few seconds later he screamed...like SCREAMED in my face..1 inch away...which disturbed me. Then the moshing began. I went to the back, lol.

But all in all, it was good :D

This is a picture of the drummer of Fireflight and I.

:D I had fun, lol.

On Friday...the first day of RECREATION. The first day on sore muscles for me. I had been riding my bike to/from work (not and though) for 2 weeks and I thought I was going to relax. Nope. lol.





SO.





Breakfast, quiet time, then morning worship. I had never really done quiet time. I flipped through my Bible and then got ready for worship. I excpected to sit in the back again then do rec, which I thought was us walking around doing random activities.





Worship was good. Not anything unusual for me spiritually. I sang, clapped, but that was it.








But after that, they divided us into groups. We all had funny names, like Shavin' my back hair so I can get a date(my favorite, lol) and there was Not ridin' Dirty cuz I love jesus (or something) and mine was True Love Waits.





*snore*





BUT...I managed to come up with a cheer...nobody could figure one out until I said "How about...Cross Your Legs for Jesus Cuz True Love waits?"





it became a popular cheer, lol.





We did rec, and we got NASTY. There was this hill, right? Well..it was covered with a tarp, and there was stinky, nasty water running down it. It smelled like POO. Nasty smell. But we, the whole team, had to climb UP the hill with the tarp, water running down it, and we couldn't touch the sides. and there's the guy who is supervising with a big 'ol hose with the nasty poo water coming out of it spraying us. So we just kind of used our bodies as a lift, giving each other a boost. It was SO funny, because the other team was ripped. Like...RIPPED. Muscles bulging, tank top wearing ripped guys. AND WE WON! We got up first, ran the course first, and when we were done, they had just gotten up. So we all went back and cheered them on.





I really didn't want to do the tarp thing, because, like most of my friends and family know, I HATE being touched (I'm working on that, more details later) But I did that to help my teammates.





So, after that, we were done (we had more activities but that was the last one.) and it was past lunchtime, so everyone but me went to go eat lunch. I showered and got dressed and went to...DUN DUN DUN.... WOW Idol practice.





Okay, so, WOW Idol was like american idol but without the voting and competition. so...really it was jsut a bunch of kids getting up and doing their own thing. We had singers, an Ask Ninja guy (no joke Stephen! XD) and some skits. And a band from our church did a song they wrote, and it was great. I did a song too, I was the second act, and, well, apparently everyone liked it because I was getting compliments on the last day about it.





After that was free time. 4 HOURS of doing whatever you wanted. I had like 60-something dollars in my wallet. I planned on going to the Snack shack and getting a snack. I go to our dorm and go to my bunk and into my bag. I look around in my bag for my wallet...nothing. before panicking, I look in my suitcase. I might've thrown it in there the night beofre after getting back. It's not there. So I quietly start asking around to see if anyone's seen it. Nobody. I went outside with my notebook and started writing about my day. My youth leader (God Bless him, lol) asked what I was doing, if anytihng was wrong, how my day was going...lol because the ski trip didn't go so well in the beginning...but I was having an amazing day, in spite of the wallet thing, lol. I told him this, and he was releived and said to find our driver and to look for my wallet on the bus. (I did on Sunday and found it.) But I continued writing about my day (I had actually found $15 in my shorts that I had worn the day before...God provides!) and then went and took a nap. At 6 was dinner, then worship again.

We were urged to come out of our comfort zones and worship like never before. I was like "ehhh....." and just did te same thing I always did. Clap hands and sing along. If I ever felt compelled to lift my hands, I squelched it with thoughts that people would laugh at me...I gave in to the whisperings of Satan.

But Saturday...was a turning point for me...

We were prepared this time. (At this point in my blog, I'll turn off my music because it diverts my attention away from what I'm typing. I get pre-occupied with anything louder than what I'm doing.)


Saturday night, actually...At lunch, we were told to go to the party Barn instead of the Worship center. So we all grab our Bibles (I'm getting emotional just knowing I'm getting to share this with ya'll.) and we were told to find a seat on the floor. Ground. Floor ground...dirty dirty cement, lol. Jason, the leader of the EDGE kids, said that we had to prepare ourselves, to read the Bible, pray, sit silently, whatever...for what was about to come. At this point in time I was terrified. almost blinding panic, I had no clue why, I just knew that something was going to happen that I didn't like (the feeling returns to me as I type.) and I was right.

"No music will be playing, the band won't even be onstage. But you're all going to walk in there, not making a sound, no talking, nothing, and when you walk into those doors, you will see leaders praying and reading the Bible. But you will worship how YOU want to. You won't be told what to do, there won't be ANY music, you can worship God how you want."

Almost blinding panic was returned with horror and complete and absoloute fear. How was I supposed to worship if I didn't even know how I worshipped?! The fear made me weak in the stomach and body. I bowed my head...and turned to Psalms. I read about how people danced for God, sang for God, just praised Him, and wondered why I couldn't do that. I prayed for God to give me the courage to worship him.

Worship is an odd thing. it's a response to what we value most (Who said that again?) and it made me think--do I value God enough to worship Him? Do I love Him enough to let Him know that I am so grateful for everything He gave me?

People are so unashamed to worship other people--Fanclubs, Street Teams, websites, fansites, fanfiction...why is it so much easier to worship someone who doesn't care than the One who cares enough to let His Sone die for us? Why is it so much easier for me to worship music than my Creator, who gave us a way to be with Him through Jesus?

Back to the point though, which was this::
We walk to the Worship center (I didn't know Oklahoma had tarantulas!!! There was a HUGE one on the outside of the Center) and we go inside as a group...my terror was constant. I was still terrified but after praying the horror went away, lol. And I meant horror as in shock, not fear. But I was still afraid. Why? I don't really know. Maybe it was because I thought that people would see me worship and think I was a freak. So in my fear, I lied down, metaphorically. Instead of being brave, I played dead. I sat down and began to read my Bible.

Don't get me wrong, reading your Bible is a form of worship, but I know tht's not how I worship. I began to get angry at myself for playing the safe card. If I read my Bible, nobody would disturb me, and maybe I'd fool myself into thinking that I was worshipping.


Nooooooooope.


There are a ton of things that make me angry in my life. The fact that I let people get to me so bad that I can't--don't--let anyone close anymore. The fact that my mom fooled herself into thinking that it would be best for my brother and I to stay with my dad. The fact that my dad fooled himself into thinking he had a right to be the way he was. The fact that I couldn't--WOULDN'T!-- forgive myself and others for all of this.

I realized this and broke down. I cried...tears of surrender. It felt good to let go...but painful to admit. I started praying like crazy--tears flowing down my face-- about my anger. I knew that with all of this extra baggage I was carrying it would hinder my relationship with God. It WAS hindering my relationship with God! I just let it go right now...I hated to do it, but afterwards I admitted that I was an angry person to my group. angry, depressed, scared, but mostly scared, because the thought of worshippig my Lord and Savior terrified me. People terrified me. I came clean with that. I told my group...just my church, mind you...that before that night I had so much freakin' baggage it wasn't funny...that I hated to be touched, and I hated to get close to people simply because I was angry and afraid...angry at other people, which kept me from making new relationships, and scared that the new person would hurt me.

I then informed my group that I wanted them to help me break out of this shell by giving me a hug when--

I didn't finish the sentance. 2 guys, Josh and Kelsey's dad, jumped up (more like flew, lol) and gave me hugs. I screamed before, of course (hahaha) but was like "WARN ME FIRST! WARN ME FIRST!!!"

But that's a revelation for me. The relevation for the group was that 21 people got saved, and all of the visitors from my group got saved--including my friend Joelle, whom I adore. we had made friends the night before she was saved. I thought she was already saved, so I didn't even ask her.

Sunday, Fireflight came.

after Saturday, no other day this week could ever top that. I'm sorry. End of blog!!!!

I have no clue.

My mom wants me to...

Go spend a week with my dad. I told her NO. after alot of talking, she told me to think about it. I have, and I'm not going. I DO NOT want to see him. My brother does. I am so angry at him....I cna't even think about it without crying, and she wants me to SEE him?? I mean...he abused her in ways, and she wants me to SEE him?! After all that shit he pulled, she wants me to see him. I don't WANT to see him, I don't even want to TALK to him! She said I should write a letter. Oh, and what would it say? That if he fucks up this time, I'll never be seen again? Because if he comes back and shits on our life again, I swear to God, I will run away, move away, whatever, however I old I am depends. I will disappear. Without a trace. Because I can't live like that. And if the rest of my family can, then I won't be around to watch them die. And he doesn't have to lay a hand on them to kill them.

*sighs*

My mother's right. I am an angry person. And I hate to admit that. even though I've known it all this time.


I, Kayla, am an angry person.


And in admitting that, I feel a little better.

So, I quit KR

So I'll be taking it out of my links soon.

a couple of reasons why I left(not in order though)::



1) Silliness abounds there.

2) Someone there promised me something TWO YEARS AGO and I brought it up like 6 or 7 months ago, then again 2 months ago, and he STILL hasn't made a decision on whether he should let me or not. if you ask, I will tell. and he promised he'd talk to others about it, but I've asked and he hasn't said anything.

And that's 2.

My conversation.

Since I have time and it's almost fresh in my mind, I'll tell you about my conversation with my dad yesterday.

Well, in a nutshell, I made him promise to get better better. Not temporarily better. He said "Oh, I am! Don't you worry! I'm getting better!"

But I've heard that tone before. It's fake. I don't beleive him, I really don't. He uses that fake enthusiasm to make people beleive him. Next time I talk to him, I'm going to let him know what I feel. Everything. He said everything's his fault, it is. I'm going to tell him that I don't trust him, I don't beleive him, and he may never, EVER gain that trust back. It doesn't mean I don't loe him, and it doesn't mean that I'm angry at him. Yes, I AM angry at him, but that's my problem. At this aprticular time I can only think he's trying to change to get back to us. He should be changing for him first, us second.

You know, I'm just sick of him changing for a little bit, then when we think he's better, he goes right back to treating us like piles of shit. It's made me think about who I can trust, and how tolerant of people I really am.

And this makes me so upset that if I eat alot, alot as in, almost nearly satisfied, I get sick.

I jsut talked with my dad.

I don't even know what to say. More later.

Going in Blind

One day... Some day..

This life *not* like you wanted it.

His eyes I can see again,

I need you here.

In your mind nobody's listening.

It's alright not to feel again,

Just breath again...

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back.

Time after time I'm going in blind,

I don't know which way I need to go...

Feels like your world is caving in

And I cry, failing to understand,

I wish I can...

It's alright if you're missing him,

In his eyes you can live again,

Free within!

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back.

Time after time I'm going in blind,

I don't know which way I need to go!

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back

.Time after time I can't see the signs,

I don't know which way I need to go!

Do all these roads lead me back to you...

I don't know which way I need to go.

one day?

Some day!

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back.

Time after time I'm going in blind,

I don't know WHICH way I need to go!

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back.

Time after time I can't see the signs

do all these roads leading me back to you,

One day....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know....I was talking to my mom today about my dad. Oddly enough, it started when we were disussing weight. She then told me that dad was jealous that other men would like her, so she got fat and wore ugly clothes. I beleive her. My dad commented all the time on her clothing and if she started to lose weight. he accused her of "trying to look good for her boyfriend" if she looked even remotely nice. my mom is a beautiful woman, but she'd wear clothes that didn't match, or didn't show off her figure. and my dad liked it like that.

My mother has no reason to lie about this. my dad is...awful. a guy goes up there and councels him, and my dad made it sound like he went to church alot and recently stopped going. technically that was true, he'd drop us off. But that was it.He never went in. Never attended sevice or Bible study.

In other words, he lied.

Which is what I'm used to.

my mom said that I need to have faith in him. I said "Why? He's mean. he lies to us and everyone else. He treats us like crap. Why the hell did you stay with him?!"

She said "He wasn't always like that."

I said "Well, I can't remember when he wasn't, so to me he always has been. No faith."

The guy who councils my dad said the marriage isn't salvageble. This is a Baptist preacher, okay? he thinks divorce is wrong. I do too, to an extent. He said my dad is so bad, it might be too late.

No, I'm not losing hope, but I'm not wanting my parents to get back together. I repeat, I DO NOT WANT MY PARENTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER. I don't want anyone thinking I do.

I don't hate my dad. He used to be there for me, I think. He'd come to softball games and such.

I talked to him yesterday. He seemed really happy to hear from me. I tried not to sound to bitter, but I found myself talking to him like a child. Sugary, sweet voice with lots of enthusiasm. I hate myself when I do that.

*sigh*

I feel like I'm whining again. I feel like I really don't have a problem and I don't deserve to rant. That's why I havent' seen my youth pastor about this yet. And people tell me I whine too much. When?? That's why I never say anything, is becasue people go "Kayla was whining to me about..." insert my problem here. I hate whining, I hate to make people listen to my problems. so instead, I write a blog. I give people he option to read it instead of talking about it. why? Because, apparently, I'm a whiner. But I know there's a problem, somewhere. Because whenever I think about all this, I want to cry. I hold it back because I don't deserve to cry. Nothing bad has happened. Is that from years of being taught denial? I never told anyone my father was emotionally and verbally abusive. and now, when I need people to listen the most, I can't say anything because they think of me as problematic drama queen. or they tell me to suck it up. Well, I'm trying, okay? I really am! I'm really trying to work through all the hurt and pain. I'm distrusting, paranoid, and I feel alone. Why do I have to be alone? Why? Huh? Can ANYONE answer that? Why is it that I can be there for everyone else, but nobody will be there for me? I have to lean on strangers at church in the bathroom after busting in there crying.

So far, not very many people have come through for me. The ones that have are family and know everything. But they're mostly there for my mom and brother, because I act like I don't have a problem. And I am trying to hold back the tears right now because I don't deserve to cry. And my mom still wants me to keep things a secret. I posted several things on my myspace and got in trouble for it. I had to take them off.

I'm so sick of hiding everything. My dad was horrible to us. He had his nice moments, but he was depressed, angry, suicidal, he called my mom names, he told us we were overweight and that we ate too much, we had no friends because of the way we were and our personalities are horrible, he told me I didn't have a boyfriend because I wasn't pretty. He told my mom that if she ever left him, he'd kill himself. He told my brother that he was fat. I could go on.

But, sorry for my whining. I'll remember in the future to keep such impulses in check and not BOTHER anyone with my dumb problems. Im sorry for being stupid and ranting in my own blog. I'll try and keep my future posts dumb and light.

Screw ya'll. Except Sarah, Stephen, Mike, Daniel, and anyone who reads and replies on an almost regular bases.

The epitome of me.

This picture says it al. I want love, but people are out of reach because I tied myself down and said "If they won't come here, they won't be loved by me."

BULL.

I'm so full of it when I'm angry at the world.

How to Save a Life?

Step one you say "we need to talk"
He walks you say "sit down it's just a talk"
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Sometimes I just sit here and wonder why my life is the way it is. I mean, these verses remind me, vaguely, of the intervention with my dad, except the words weren't so polite. In the end, it didn't help hardly at all. He lied about drinking, the money he spent. He denied he ever hurt us in any way. I wondered why I even tried to make a difference. I wondered why I even said anything.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

I remember all those days I didn't go out with my friends, those days I didn't go places with my mom and brother, just to make sure he didn't hurt himself. I knew he wouldn't do anything if I was there. But in the end...I don't know. He's supposed to be getting help. I hope and pray he is.

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

I remember the last day I saw him. He was irrational. I use that word to explain him now. Irration. I'd rather not use crazy...or deranged. Sick, ill, mentally unstable. I can't use those words. But even though we tried, he still...he still drank, he still put us down, he still made us feel worthless and ashamed of ourselves and him.

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life...

But I don't know how to save someone. Especially one who doesn't want to be saved. I am so angry at my dad. But he can't help it...he has a chemical imbalance. I don't know...I guess I'm mad that he didn't go see a doctor.

*sigh*

I'll write again later.

My weekend.

Friday, there was Night of the Stars practice. Dress rehearsal. Blech. I HATED my poodle skirt. I still do, with a fiery, FLAMING passion.

But I got to drive to church. (scary!) I also drove back (Even SCARIER!) and when I did...I nearly side-swiped a car, then after that I almost ran into a stop sign. I did better driving to and from work today. Mostly because 1) I have done it before. 2) It's not as far away and 3) it wasn't as late and I wasn't exhausted.

Saturday...PANIC! My mom had to finish my costume (Yeah...there was no poodle on the poodle skirt!) and I got dressed at the last minute. While I was putting on my makeup, a few girls came in and said the production was gonna suck. The audience was gonna get sick of it. I thought so too. I realize now, that we thought that only because he had been practicing and preparing and choreographing our dances for...3 months. We were SICk of it. Seriously. We HATED doing it. BUT...when we did it for the LAST time...it went great. I messed up a few times on the dance (I turned left when I should've turned right...I tripped a little during a turn, and I was farther back than I should've been)

But the energy was GREAT, I had a ton of fun (I acted like a total freak dancing...haha, freak dancer.) I was jumping, laughing, smiling, playing with the other actors.

Then...we find out at the end (After jake D won) that it's gonna be put on...

*GULP*

DVD!!!!!!

Then I got flowers, lol.

Sunday, I cleaned up a bit around the yard and the house, then drove to work. i was a MESS. Jon could tell soemthing was wrong. He asked me why I hadn't spoken, and I said

"You didn't hear?"

and he said "No..."

I said "My parents split up last week. I've been really--"

He came around his register and to mine and gave me this huge, warm, tight hug.

"I am SO sorry, nobody tells me anything anymore! I KNEW something was wrong!!"

He continued to hug me.

"I REALLY needed a hug." I said, laughing.

"I could tell." I let go, and so did he. "I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want to intrude, so I just asked why you weren't talking."

"Nooo, man, if you can tell I'm upset, PLEASE hug me!"

He smiled and nodded. "I will!"

So that helped. I definently perked up after that. he then told me, an hour later, that he was quitting. in 2 weeks, he won't be working there anymore. :(

I channeled my sadness and shock into stealing Jeff's hat. Jeff was underneath Jon's register, messing with Jon's laptop, and I grabbed his hat. I walked abck to my register and threw the hat underneath it. Jeff said, still underneath the register,

"Who stole my hat?"

Jon said "What?" He ruffled Jeff's hair and said "Where's your hat man?!"

Jeff stood up and said "I'm getting really pissed off. Give me back my hat, whoever took it!"

I was like "I didn't take it."

Jon said "I didn't take it! Man, you ARE pissed off!"

Jeff said, sounding a little mad, "I'm f*cking serious, give me back my damn hat!"

I grinned. Jon said "Maybe it's the chick who's looking at you with greedy, sexual seductive eyes." (he meant me. I like jeff a little)

I said "WHAT??"

Jon shrugged and smiled "I don't know what I'm saying! Did you take his hat?"

I grabbed the hat from underneath my register. Jeff said "Give me my hat back!"

I said "Say please."

"No. Give me my damn hat!"

"Please."

"I'm getting pissed off."

"Even pissed off people say please occasionally."

Jeff sighs and grabs my vitamin water.

"I'll pour it out."

"Oh I'm so scared." I tease.

He walks outside and unscrews the cap. He tilts it over slightly with a half smile. I match his tilt by holding his hat over the garbage can. He shrugs. so do I. He looks away momentarily and I take the opportunity to throw his hat to Melissa, who had the register next to mine. He saw me throw it, and he laughs. Melissa puts it on. She turns to me and I say "Cute!" and she hands it back to me. jeff had already made his way over to me and he said, almost pitifully, "Please give me my damn hat!"

I grab the vitamin water and walk to my register.

"Kayla!"

I said "But it's such an awful hat. I mean, Longhorns? Please. It's sad!" I hand the poor baby his hat. He grabs it.

"That's so old, Kayla."

"I've only done it 3 times."

"Nobody in my family does that to me."

I'm not related to you."

"Well, I mean, none of my friends do it to me."

"I'm not a friend!"

"Well, there. So there. Fine!"



10 minutes later he walks by my register. I grab his arm and he gives an exesperated sigh. I clasped my hands around the back of his neck and I say "I'm sorry for taking your hat."

He wraps his arms around my waist.

"It's cool. It's alright, really."

I tilt my head. "I only do it cuz I think you're cute."

He laughs and says "Oh, okay!" and I let go. Right then I had this really huge urge to ask him out. *sigh* But I fought it. I know he thinks I'm ridiculous. I think he's a little boring. He studies on the weekdays and works on the weekends. Sometimes he goes out with his friends. But I'd like to get to know him better. We started talking about movies. He likes horror (like me) and those awesome action movies. total guy. A boring guy, but...lol.

Anyways, that was my weekend. I usually enjoy talking with Jeff. Sometimes we take breaks together. He seems pretty cool. except for the anger thing about his hat (somebody important must've given it to him) he seems really nice.

Later, the 2 people who read my blog! XD

Thanks for the Memories.

Fall Out Boy Lyrics

Fall Out Boy Lyrics

GAHH.

I'm so tired of everything.

*sigh*

I'm going to have to see a counseler soon.

Mother's Day

1 am instead of 2, LAWL.

So...I'm up at 1 am, listening to Fall Out Boy (Sorry, Mikey-poo.) Wondering why...alot.

I think my mom actually had a better Mother's Day than the last 5 years...my dad insists on picking fights with her though. She'll be perfectly nice to him and he'll find some "attitude" that she has. Honestly. I should record it.

Honestly, Fall Out Boy really soothes me.

I am an arms dealer.
Fitting you with weapons in the form of words
And don't really care, which side wins
As long as the room keeps singing
That's just the business I'm in

This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
I'm not a shoulder to cry on, but I digress

I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate
I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate

I wrote the gospel of giving up
(You look pretty sinking)
But the real bombshells have already sunk
(Pre-Madonnas of the gutter)
At night we're painting your trash gold while you sleep
Crashing not like hips or cars
No, more like p-p-p-parties

This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

Bandwagon's full. Please, catch another

I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate
I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate

All the boys who the dance floor didn't love
And all the girls whose hips couldn't move fast enough
Sing until your lungs give out

This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
(Now you)
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
(Wear out the groove)
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
(Sing out loud)
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
(Oh, oh)
This ain't a scene, it's a god damn arms race

I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate
I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate

This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race Lyrics

tired tired tired....

Of course I'm tired. I'm up, again,at nearly 2 am. A reprucussion of staying to 3:30 last night.

I"m feeling alot better now though. Posting that blog last night really helped. Alot. Not only did I type out my very feelings, in a nutshell, haha, but I also alerted the people I know, whether I thought they'd take it seriously or not, to what I was going through.

That's one brick.

The light from that one brick hurts my eyes, but I know it's for the best.

Today, during NOTS practive, I didn't flinch when Nolen (gnolend? Knowlend??!) hugged me. Instead, I grit my teeth and hugged him back. I actually felt much better. Hugs are good for tense stomachs and achy hearts.

That's another brick.

It's alot harder than it sounds. But it's alot easier than I'm making it.

Sometimes, I wish I could just shrink inside myself. Disappear into nothingness, be back when the hard time are over. But it doesn't work like that. Thank God. because if it did, I'd have no character.

it's an old analogy, but when we're born, we're a block of wood. Whether you beleive in God or not, everything that we're struggling with, everything little piece of crap that gets tossed our way, sure, it hits us, and it hits us hard and takes a big chunk of us, but after awhile that block of wood that was us becomes something you never thought it could be. The only differance between us adn a regular block of wood is, we get to choose what piece of us is taken away.

Our innocence?

Our vitality?

self esteem?

Faith?

Love for others?

Our will to live.

After all of this, I might still be able to trust other people. I'm trying to get that back. People ahve hurt me in big ways and little ways. Chipped my outlook on people away a little bit at a time or shattered it completely. I could've picked up the pieces, got some superglue and duct-tape, put everything back together and moved on. But I chose to stare at the pieces with a wide open mouth and go "WHY??" And that doesn't solve anything.

But like my blog says...that Anberlin song (I love that song!)

"Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in dischord, praise ye the Lord."

Jesus Jesus Jesus, my Lord and Savior, praise be to You, who gives me hard times so that I might be the best block of wood I can be.

Chapter 1: Stalker

For a few months I've been trying to get this guy to leave me alone. For awhile it worked.

I remember when we first met. Bob Smiley was performing, and a girl named Christina had invited him to come watch him, so Matt came (because she's pretty.) We sat next to each other and cracked up. Afterwards we talked a bit, and I said he should come back. 2 weeks later he did. we talked, and we had alot of things in common. We both liked Evanescence and country music. He also confessed to me that he cut. I (being the empathic I am) felt sorry for him and said that he didn't have to do that. He invited me to his birthday party that following weekend and I came. I thought "Finally, a guy I can just hang out with."

That's where it went downhill. The party.

Luckily he didn't try and make any moves on me, but he did seem to be more...friendly. I waved the worried thoughts away, thinking it was no big deal. He touched my leg a few times, my arms too, softly, but that was it. I'd shrug his hand away and he'd stop for a bit.

The following Wednesdays, he became more and more touchy-feely. my face, my leg, my shoulders, back, knees, hair, arms, hands, calves, stomach...I'd tell him to stop (this was all during youth-group, during worship or the message) and he would for a few seconds...but he'd start right back up again.

I started thinking "oh my god...this is not happening...again..."

I decided to take action. My action was...no action. Don't go to church, don't go outside (he said he knew where I lived.) Don't answer the phone (I had called him to ask where his house was) delete him from my myspace (along with his sister, who had asked me out several times too.) and just stay inside. No grocery stores (he could be lurking in the Electronics isle at wal-Mart!!) no church (he waited in the hall for me) No outside, nothing.

Just. Stay. Put.

I became paranoid, obsessed with making sure I never went anywhere he might be. I had nightmares of him touching me, those wild, cold blue eyes looking at me accusingly, asking me where I've been, why I didn't talk to him anymore.

But ala, Wednesday came again. I had to go to church. My mother made me.

I got sick. Pale skin. Shaky hands. Bloodshot eyes. The kids in my church gave me worried looks. But nobody asked except Jake M.

"Kayla, are you okay?"

I shook my head, and then bought a t-shirt from him.

Matt found me. I heaved and said "I don't feel very well." and ran to the bathroom. I didn't get sick, but I just waited there until service started. I came out, and there he was, waiting for me.

I didn't talk, just went and sat down. Back row. Like always.

And it started.

First,he'd lean his head on me. I'd shrug it off. Then he'd scoot closer and run his finger up and down my thigh. I'd brush his hand away. He'd caress my shoulder. I'd move my arm. I'd say "Quit it, alright? I'm trying to concentrate." and he'd stop.

Next song, though, he'd start up again. Same routine. Same reaction from me. Next song, same thing. when the message came, I'd pretend to be engrossed in the sermon when I was really concentrating on keeping his hands off of me. He'd inch his hand over to me, and the whole time I'm trying to figure out why he's doing this.

I would say no male has ever touched me like that but...that would be a lie.

I never can understand why people want to hurt each other, especially in a personal way like that.

This went on for a few Wednesdays. Maybe he thought it was okay. But I don't. That night was the final straw.

The following weekend I was going to Colorado on a ski trip with my church group for Spring Break. A few nights before, I learn that my mom had told Jake to watch over me. I was grateful for the thought, but I wanted to take care of this myself. so I approached him.

I was nervous. I had kept to myself mostly, and the last time i had talked to Jake, I was apologizing for throwing a snowball at his crotch--and hitting my mark. That was the beginning of the week. It was now the last day, and we had stopped at CiCi's on the way home.

"Jake, uhm...can I talk to you?"

"Sure." he put anothe slice of pizza on his plate. "What's up?"

I swallow. "Uh...I know my mom asked you to watch over me, but I just wanted you to know that you're not obliged to do anything and she only wants what's best for me and I hope you don't feel any obligations to help me out or anything because if you don't I totally understand and I guess that's what I wanted to say." I more or less sputter.

His answer shocked me. alot. I nearly fainted.

"No, I want to." (WHAA??)

I said "HUH?" (I really did.)

He replied, a little heated "You know, it really pisses me off when guys do things to a girl that she doesn't like. You don't need to be treated like that. I'll help you out, and it's because I want to. I'll do what I can."

I nearly started crying. At this point, I knew not all guys were evil, conniving, sadistic and horny bastards. I just didn't think I knew any decent guys.

I said (stuttered) "Thank you! You have no clue...oh my god...just..thank you."

He smiled. "No problem."

I got more pizza (victory slice!) and sat down. I used that time to compose myself and thank my Heavenly Father that I knew Jake M.

he helped. He really did. Not only did he talk to me when Matt would get too close (he has eyes like a hawk, haha.) But he'd just hang close. Or he'd call me over to talk to him. He'd message me on myspace and tell me not to worry, if I wanted him to say something to Matt, he'd do it in a heartbeat.

But, like all heroes, Jake couldn't be everywhere.

The drama died down. Matt got the hint and left me alone. In came a new villian. His sister. Melissa. This time, I tried to be a hero on my on, and not need a knight in shining white armor.

Melissa asked me what why Matt and i weren't talking. She said he wanted to know. I said "Okay. You'd look so much better as a white blonde."

I guess she thought I was hitting on her, because she giggled. I then walked away and sat in my seat. Away from Matt, melissa, and their posse.

for the next few weeks, I'd come in late, sit down in the most available seat, and run out right after the message. avoid him at all costs. even though I missed my church friends, I couldn't let him ge to me. Not physically at least.

Today though....No sister. No Jake either. Just my friends alyssa and Danielle. But even though they're heroes too, they can't be everwhere. During the greeting, he made his way over to me. I turned around and greeted an newcomer. Someone waylaid him. I ran to the other side of the rom and greeted another person. he tried to follow me, but another person greeted him. I repeated this until it was time to sit.

And afterwards, I didn't run. I signed up for VBS drama.

Then I ran.

Out the doors, up the stairs, and almost into a few people. I was panting at the top, but satisfied that I got away.

But here I am now, at 2 am, typing this all, because I'm afraid to go to sleep.

I've been sexually assaulted twice before this. Once when I was 5, another when I was 12. I remember I had a dream about it when I was 5, bu when I was 12...it nearly drove me nuts. I questioned everythng--my life, my sexuality, my faith, the existance of God--Everything. I was so confused and lost...

But I know God never gives us more than we can handle. I knew that if this was being thrown at me, surely I'd cath it and handle it with care.

So half an hour later, I am not typing because I am afraid, I'm typing to get all of this out. The biggest mistake I always make is assuming that nobody will listen. Even if I tell10 people, and only 1 listens to me, that's still a person I can trust. That's my big thing. trust. I didn't trust my mom with this information. I didn't tell my parents abut this, and they were telling me if I liked him, it was okay to date him. I didn't let anyone know what was going on until it was too late. I didn't trust Jake to help me, I didn't trust my youth leader to step in, I didn't trust my family to be there for me, and most of all, I didn't trust God.

I should know by now, if there's anoyone who should be trusted, it's God.

What a sad human being I am. No trust, always paranoid, always wondering whether one day I'll pul one brick out and maybe, just mabe, let another person look inside my cold, dark small living space I call a heart, where I cower under the covers like I did whe I was 5. Maybe, one day I will. Maybe that person will bring a flashlight and a blanket and a box of tissues.

Maybe that person has already come, but I don't want to pull out my brick.

I've decided...

To put my blogs down as if I was writing a book. An auto-biography, if you will.

Starting tommorrow.

Pete Wentz

I don't understand this sudden fascination about him, but okay, lol.

Talk to me!!!

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