This is the Last Song I'm Wasting on You

Sparkling grey,
They're my own veins.
Any more than a whisper,
Any sudden movement of my heart.
And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away

Just get through this day

Give up your way, you could be anything,
Give up my way, and lose myself, not today
That's too much guilt to pay

Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die
Honey you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way

You're just so pretty in your pain

Give up my way, and I could be anything
I'll make my own way
Without your senseless hate... hate... hate... hate.

So run, run, run
And hate me, if it feels good.
I can't hear your screams anymore

You lied to me
But I'm older now
And I'm not buying baby

Demanding my response
Don't bother breaking the door down
I found my way out

And you'll never hurt me again.

~Evanescence~

I'm so tired of being overlooked.

I'm tired of people telling me "Kayla, be quiet." and "Kayla, just stop talking."
Does anyone ask WHY I talk nonsense, or if there's something on my mind? No. There are only 2 people in this world that I truly think care about me, and that's my little brother Trevor and my friend Josh.

Everyone else is just....frustrating!

I'm TIRED of holding everything in all of the time! I DON'T FEEL LOVED! I never have! And it infuriates me because I'm always there for other people when they need me, and they hug me "Oh Kayla your'e a good friend." and when I need something and come to them, they make it awkward. "Oh, well, I dont' know what to do." Just LISTEN. Be there. When I fall apart, you don't have to put me back together, just hug the pieces and I'll come together on my own.
And I'm sick and TIRED of people telling me what to do. I'm not allowed to get a job, I can't move out, I can't do this, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'm almost 18, I need more freedom! I'm really trying to be more responsible, but sometimes I just forget stuff. And when I try to give my opinion about something, people make me feel stupid and call me a dumbass. And YES TREVOR I JUST CUSSED. Deal with it. You're NOT my father, mother or any other person that has authority over me. Suck it.

I'm sooo tired of people telling me what I can and can't do and making me feel horrible. If I even TRY to stick up for myself, they yell at me and make me feel like I did something wrong. It's like the people around me have all turned into Lon. I cna't escape him. I don't knwo what to do. He's in my dreams, in my daily life. I'm about to give up becuase no matter what, he wins. Everyone always wins except for me.

And of course, the problem won't be with the masses, the people around me, it's always the individual, because I'm outnumbered, and if more than one person is telling you something's wrong, there must be.

I just wanna give up. People have stopped telling me to not give up because they think that everything is fine now. Well it's not. Nobody wantas to hear Kayla cry, becuase if Kayla cries, what happens to their therapist?

I hate everyone right now. If you're reading this, you're included, so don't even ask

GODBE, 2007

Today I'm a living dictionary. I've been spouting off words that eople say are big, but I've used them before. I suppose they're just now noticing it.My sister says, when we get to church, "I got a epiphany!" and thens he says "Wait, what's an epiphany?" and I reply, quickly, "A sudden moment of clarity and truth." and my dad blinks and says "Wow, that's a good definition." "I read the dictionary." I replied, lol.But something hit me this morning before church started...I almost didn't make it through this year. I've asked several people if I could come live with them, I have packed my bags and sat in my car several times, all at the beginning of the year though, lol. I saved up money and swore I'd leave,I wrote notes, letters telling people how I felt about them and why I was leaving, but I never did. If I had, what would ahve happened?I don't even want to think about it. I'm just glad I didn't...I mean...my step-dad abused my mom, emotionally and mentally, and my little brother and I had to watch it. She didn't tell us, on the contrary, we were trying to convince her to leave him. She was so close to giving up...I am so thankful that none of us gave up. Where would we be if one of all of us gave up? If I had given up, my mother would probably be i an institution, along with Lon, and my brother at the mercy of relatives. Or if mom had given up, I would be seperated from my little brother possibly indefinently. That would kill me.Anyone who knows me knows what I've been through, and what it has done to me. Some people argue "That's a part of life." Well, not for everyone. Not everyone can take it. Not everyone chooses to keep going. Not everyone has the strength God is allowing them to have to get through it.But I know that 2007 has prepared me for 2008, or possibly 2009+. This year has been horrible, and yet absoloutly wonderful at the same time. My mom left the dictator that was her husband, my brother's father, and found a man that loves her and DOESN'T freak out on her when the scissors are lost, or isn't an alchoholic. He doesn't berate us if we do something better than him or make us feel like we're horrible.I harbored so much hate for Lon, but now it's gone and I just feel...pity. And a small feeling of disgust, because he still tries to trick us. We know better, and will keep our guard up in the future.It's just sad that it took me a whole year to thank God for the hardships He's put me through. I DO love God, but sometimes my pain is used as an excuse to not see Him when He's here for me. He never left, and I knew that. I always knew He'd be there when I came back, ad here He is.Goodbye, 2007. Thank you, but good riddance XD

PFFFFTT!

fffffft!


That's what an epiphany sounds like in my head. Or clarity, I don't really know yet.

I need to grow up. Now. I'll be 18 in 8 months, and after all of this stuff at school, I've been letting the people around me influence me. I need new friends, ones who will hold me accountable for the wrong I do, or at least gently remind me when I stray. People I can pray with, and people who will lean on me as much as I need to lean on them.

But now that I know what I need, I jsut don't know how to attain it.

Ah, so many problems to conquer, so little time...There's the problem with my friend using m ex boyfriend as a sheild so she can see her girlfriend. Now, I don't lke my ex very much, seeng as how he pretty much ruined my reputation in a week, but he doesn't deserve to be used like that. And my freind's girlfreind is an even closer friend to me, and she feels horrible. And I feel horrible because he really like her but has no idea about what's going on.And like every other problem, I make myself sick over this by obsessing. But they're both begging me to not say anything to him because they really wanna see each other.My friend's mom found out that she had a girlfriend and made her break up with her, and told all of her teachers that they weren't allowed t be seen together. So she picks MY ex boyfiend, whom I still care for even though he's a jerk, and not even in that girlfriend way, just caring for him, and is now dating him so she can secretly see her girlfriend.And I'm also mad at Cody because he's probably doing what he did to me, jist better. They haven't slept together, like we did, but she's bi, and he likes that. That's why he went out with me because he thought I was bi, even though I told him over and over again that I'm not. He told all of our friends that not only wasw I bi, but I was a whore. I broke up with him. I asked him about it first, and he said that I had said that he cold tell people that as long as I didn't hear it. I told him that was rap and broke up with him 2 days later.Stupid boys!But I've been really mean to him to try to scare him off from Keria, his new girlfriend. Why? Cuz I was told to not TELL him anything, and the funny thing is, her girlfriend is with me on caring the crap out of him. She doesn't know what I'm doing, but she still wants me to scare him. I think I better ease up, cuz he threatened to take out a restraining order on me... XD

AI

Didn't make it. moe details when I'm on my computer, lol

And here it comes...

Well, tomorrow it happens. I leave for dallas. tomorrow I'll see my sister for the first time in 5 years. Saturday I'll see Josh and I'll register for American Idol. If not, then sunday, lol. But then Monday I'll try out. Sing. I just...have so many doubts. But it feels so right, I've been praying for so long about this, and all signs have pointed to "go". I'm just afraid I'm being set up for failure. I don't mind learning lessons, but I hate the pain that comes along with them. And the disappointment.

I can sing. I KNOW I can! And others seem to think so too. So why am Iso doubtful of myself? And WHY did we move to a place with CARPET and I have allergies now?

I'm so mad. I hate being by myself. My bro's at a friend's house and my mom's at work. And I don't like spending time alone with the new person. I jsut don't feel comfortable around them yet. I mean, they're not bad or mean, I'm just not used to them yet. I dunno. I'm just...out of sorts and so nervous!!!