Monday, October 09, 2006
REASONS and I've cracked too.
I'm so sick of being human. I wish I was a frog or something.
No wait...frog's livs are scary. I could get get eaten by a fish!!!! Or another frog!!!!!!
Yikes. Nevermind.
But at least I'd never have to worry about if I was as pretty as the other girl frogs. They all U-G-L-Y. :D
I feel lik I'm too young to be feeling this way, but then if I don't feel this way, I feel like I'm not caught up with my peers. I will forever be perceived as a little girl.
Why am I spending so much time on my looks when I know they don't matter?
Answer: Becuase they seem to matter infinitely to everyone else. To everyone they don't matter to, I'm not mature enough.
Why?
Because I don't watch R movies on a regular bases?
Because I don't curse or swear?
Because I don't drink beer or smoke or do drugs?
Because I don't do things a "normal" teenager does?
Since when is it normal to be messed up?
But I am percieved as "abnormal" or "too normal". I am thought of as young and inexperianced. True I'm not allowed to go out on dates unsupervised. But yesterday I went to the movies with a guy friend and had tons of fun. We didn't have parents around, and we had fun. True I've never been kissed, I'm modest with my clothes and how I act. But does that make me prude?
No.
It makes me careful. It doens't make me scared or afraid of the world. it makes me careful to not get into the situations I've seen my friends and families get into. I learn from their mistakes and my past ones. That way, if something happens to me, it won't be my fault.
There's a reason for me doing the things I do. I'll explain it ALL right here. if you've ever wondered about me, why I don't have a boyfriend or don't act like a slut like everyone else (except Lyndsey. You're not a slut.) HERE IT IS!!!!!!
REASONS WHY I AM THE WAY I AM
I don't like to be touched.
Reason:: Because I just don't. Don't touch me unless I touch you first. You touch me first, in any way (hugging, pat on the back, head, etc.) I will stiffen up or move away. If I touch you, that means I trust you. If I let you hug me and we've just met, I don't want to offend you. But next time I'll ask to not be touched.
I don't go out with my friends.
Reason:: I don't know where they are half the time. Seriously. They're 6 times busier than I am. I try and make plans, they've got something going on that day. Vise versa.
I don't go outside alot.
Reason::I have a sun allergy. It turns my skin white and stays white. Leave me alone.
I don't dress like a whore.
Reason:: Honestly, I don't have the body for it. And it would defeat the purpose of reason 1 (not liking to be touched.) I have enough freaky old guys winking at me. why would I give them a reason to catcall and grab my butt?
I don't talk alot.
Reason:: Because i don't trust anyone anymore. Next.
I don't trust anyone.
Reason::Because nobody is trustworthy. They tell my mom, who in turn gets mad at me for feeling a certain way. So I trust nobody and don't talk about anything unless I trust them. Which those people are few.
I don't drink.
Reason:: Unlike alot of my friends, I obey the law. I'm not a goody-two-shoes. I jsut don't want to stay in jail because I know my mother wouldn't bail me out. Neither would my father. I only get one phone call.
I don't do drugs.
Reason:: Because I'm not a retard. I DO think about the future. If ever called on trial to help somebody, The fact if I had done drugs or not would be called to question. my character would be diminished if I had. I would be letting down the person I meant to help.
I don't smoke.
Reason:: My grandfather died from lung cancer. I wasn't allowed to see him the last 2 months of his life. I never got to say goodbye. I wouldn't let that happen to my family.
I don't have a boyfriend, and have never before.
Reason:: For awhile I had trouble with my sexual identity. But I'm straight. I didn't get a boyfriend or a girlfriend until i was sure. Unlike others, I didn't experiment. I could catch an STD from that! Instead, I prayed. Yes, I prayed.
I won't deny that from time to time I feel attracted to girls. But that's nothing more than lust. I go for love, baby. It's better. whenever I feel like that, I just pray.
I have alot of reasons for several different things. I haven't explained a little of myself. But do I really owe an explanation? Yeah...i think I do sometimes.
No wait...frog's livs are scary. I could get get eaten by a fish!!!! Or another frog!!!!!!
Yikes. Nevermind.
But at least I'd never have to worry about if I was as pretty as the other girl frogs. They all U-G-L-Y. :D
I feel lik I'm too young to be feeling this way, but then if I don't feel this way, I feel like I'm not caught up with my peers. I will forever be perceived as a little girl.
Why am I spending so much time on my looks when I know they don't matter?
Answer: Becuase they seem to matter infinitely to everyone else. To everyone they don't matter to, I'm not mature enough.
Why?
Because I don't watch R movies on a regular bases?
Because I don't curse or swear?
Because I don't drink beer or smoke or do drugs?
Because I don't do things a "normal" teenager does?
Since when is it normal to be messed up?
But I am percieved as "abnormal" or "too normal". I am thought of as young and inexperianced. True I'm not allowed to go out on dates unsupervised. But yesterday I went to the movies with a guy friend and had tons of fun. We didn't have parents around, and we had fun. True I've never been kissed, I'm modest with my clothes and how I act. But does that make me prude?
No.
It makes me careful. It doens't make me scared or afraid of the world. it makes me careful to not get into the situations I've seen my friends and families get into. I learn from their mistakes and my past ones. That way, if something happens to me, it won't be my fault.
There's a reason for me doing the things I do. I'll explain it ALL right here. if you've ever wondered about me, why I don't have a boyfriend or don't act like a slut like everyone else (except Lyndsey. You're not a slut.) HERE IT IS!!!!!!
REASONS WHY I AM THE WAY I AM
I don't like to be touched.
Reason:: Because I just don't. Don't touch me unless I touch you first. You touch me first, in any way (hugging, pat on the back, head, etc.) I will stiffen up or move away. If I touch you, that means I trust you. If I let you hug me and we've just met, I don't want to offend you. But next time I'll ask to not be touched.
I don't go out with my friends.
Reason:: I don't know where they are half the time. Seriously. They're 6 times busier than I am. I try and make plans, they've got something going on that day. Vise versa.
I don't go outside alot.
Reason::I have a sun allergy. It turns my skin white and stays white. Leave me alone.
I don't dress like a whore.
Reason:: Honestly, I don't have the body for it. And it would defeat the purpose of reason 1 (not liking to be touched.) I have enough freaky old guys winking at me. why would I give them a reason to catcall and grab my butt?
I don't talk alot.
Reason:: Because i don't trust anyone anymore. Next.
I don't trust anyone.
Reason::Because nobody is trustworthy. They tell my mom, who in turn gets mad at me for feeling a certain way. So I trust nobody and don't talk about anything unless I trust them. Which those people are few.
I don't drink.
Reason:: Unlike alot of my friends, I obey the law. I'm not a goody-two-shoes. I jsut don't want to stay in jail because I know my mother wouldn't bail me out. Neither would my father. I only get one phone call.
I don't do drugs.
Reason:: Because I'm not a retard. I DO think about the future. If ever called on trial to help somebody, The fact if I had done drugs or not would be called to question. my character would be diminished if I had. I would be letting down the person I meant to help.
I don't smoke.
Reason:: My grandfather died from lung cancer. I wasn't allowed to see him the last 2 months of his life. I never got to say goodbye. I wouldn't let that happen to my family.
I don't have a boyfriend, and have never before.
Reason:: For awhile I had trouble with my sexual identity. But I'm straight. I didn't get a boyfriend or a girlfriend until i was sure. Unlike others, I didn't experiment. I could catch an STD from that! Instead, I prayed. Yes, I prayed.
I won't deny that from time to time I feel attracted to girls. But that's nothing more than lust. I go for love, baby. It's better. whenever I feel like that, I just pray.
I have alot of reasons for several different things. I haven't explained a little of myself. But do I really owe an explanation? Yeah...i think I do sometimes.
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