tired tired tired....

Of course I'm tired. I'm up, again,at nearly 2 am. A reprucussion of staying to 3:30 last night.

I"m feeling alot better now though. Posting that blog last night really helped. Alot. Not only did I type out my very feelings, in a nutshell, haha, but I also alerted the people I know, whether I thought they'd take it seriously or not, to what I was going through.

That's one brick.

The light from that one brick hurts my eyes, but I know it's for the best.

Today, during NOTS practive, I didn't flinch when Nolen (gnolend? Knowlend??!) hugged me. Instead, I grit my teeth and hugged him back. I actually felt much better. Hugs are good for tense stomachs and achy hearts.

That's another brick.

It's alot harder than it sounds. But it's alot easier than I'm making it.

Sometimes, I wish I could just shrink inside myself. Disappear into nothingness, be back when the hard time are over. But it doesn't work like that. Thank God. because if it did, I'd have no character.

it's an old analogy, but when we're born, we're a block of wood. Whether you beleive in God or not, everything that we're struggling with, everything little piece of crap that gets tossed our way, sure, it hits us, and it hits us hard and takes a big chunk of us, but after awhile that block of wood that was us becomes something you never thought it could be. The only differance between us adn a regular block of wood is, we get to choose what piece of us is taken away.

Our innocence?

Our vitality?

self esteem?

Faith?

Love for others?

Our will to live.

After all of this, I might still be able to trust other people. I'm trying to get that back. People ahve hurt me in big ways and little ways. Chipped my outlook on people away a little bit at a time or shattered it completely. I could've picked up the pieces, got some superglue and duct-tape, put everything back together and moved on. But I chose to stare at the pieces with a wide open mouth and go "WHY??" And that doesn't solve anything.

But like my blog says...that Anberlin song (I love that song!)

"Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in dischord, praise ye the Lord."

Jesus Jesus Jesus, my Lord and Savior, praise be to You, who gives me hard times so that I might be the best block of wood I can be.