I feel awful. And this spot in my eye is making things more difficult still. I thought I'd get used to it by now, though it hasn't been very long. I'm no longer stressed about anything. My job's going well, I'm making more friends at work and bowling and church.

I think I know what it is. I'm having alot of trouble with my hormones. And I'm afraid I'm going to follow in the footseps of my family..... I had a talk with John and it really helped. We're alot alike. It makes me feel safe that he thinks of me as a sister...just him though. If any other guy thinks of me as a sister, it's an insult (unless he's significantly older than me....say...over 21.) and it makes me wonder what's wrong with me.

Lately I've been wearing alot of makeup--eyeliner, mascara, base, eyeshadow. Fixing my hair every day, picking out my clothes the night before (in some cases, lol) Things I normaly wouldn't care about.

I hate myself for this. I hate myself for wanting to please guys I know don't even care about me. *ahem* Won't EVER care about me. It's like I'm two people--one's rational, one's not.

"Why am I doing this? Nobody cares."

"Yes they do."

"No they don't."

I'm in a continuous argument with myself. I want to dress up, but for me, that's exactly what it is--dressing up. I'd be in a costume, being someone I'm not. I'm NOT a makeup kind of girl. I'm not a people pleaser when it comes to wearing makeup. My mom tells me I should "start caring about how I look." It's not like I walk around in sweats and pajamas! Why do I always have t be dressed up?? Mascara makes my eyes runny, and I can't wear colored lip gloss or any kind of lipstick because my lips are too full. I'd look like I had oversized lips. I have to wear clear gloss. Even pink gloss is stretching it!

I will admit though, I am enjoying this black hair. Several guys at bowling (though not the kind of guys I'd really hang out with) told me I looked pretty. At one point, one even gave me a high five (I don't even remember what about.) and apparently they know my name. I do't know theirs, but they know mine. It's weird. Oh well. The attention will cease next week.

I'm thinking....well, it's getting kinda hard to hold on and hold out for my future husband. I'm beginning to become selfish, and that's the last thing I want. My needs, my wants, my desires......if I make a mistake, would he even have me?

Mike talks about his future wife ALL OF THE TIME....so does Ryan....I think about my future husband a ton. What's he gonna be like? When are we gonna meet? Have we met already? Does he like cats? (YES I do ask that!)I hope we haven't met yet. I'm not doing very good right now. I'm too human. I want him to see me as an adult, with a job, and a good heart, all grown up.
I know I'll meet him when I'm ready, I'll never be NOT ready for whatever comes my way. God never gives me too much. I can always stand what He's throwing my way. He always lets me know that I can't do it by myself though.