Going in Blind

One day... Some day..

This life *not* like you wanted it.

His eyes I can see again,

I need you here.

In your mind nobody's listening.

It's alright not to feel again,

Just breath again...

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back.

Time after time I'm going in blind,

I don't know which way I need to go...

Feels like your world is caving in

And I cry, failing to understand,

I wish I can...

It's alright if you're missing him,

In his eyes you can live again,

Free within!

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back.

Time after time I'm going in blind,

I don't know which way I need to go!

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back

.Time after time I can't see the signs,

I don't know which way I need to go!

Do all these roads lead me back to you...

I don't know which way I need to go.

one day?

Some day!

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back.

Time after time I'm going in blind,

I don't know WHICH way I need to go!

Time after time I walk the fine line,

But something keeps bringing me back.

Time after time I can't see the signs

do all these roads leading me back to you,

One day....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know....I was talking to my mom today about my dad. Oddly enough, it started when we were disussing weight. She then told me that dad was jealous that other men would like her, so she got fat and wore ugly clothes. I beleive her. My dad commented all the time on her clothing and if she started to lose weight. he accused her of "trying to look good for her boyfriend" if she looked even remotely nice. my mom is a beautiful woman, but she'd wear clothes that didn't match, or didn't show off her figure. and my dad liked it like that.

My mother has no reason to lie about this. my dad is...awful. a guy goes up there and councels him, and my dad made it sound like he went to church alot and recently stopped going. technically that was true, he'd drop us off. But that was it.He never went in. Never attended sevice or Bible study.

In other words, he lied.

Which is what I'm used to.

my mom said that I need to have faith in him. I said "Why? He's mean. he lies to us and everyone else. He treats us like crap. Why the hell did you stay with him?!"

She said "He wasn't always like that."

I said "Well, I can't remember when he wasn't, so to me he always has been. No faith."

The guy who councils my dad said the marriage isn't salvageble. This is a Baptist preacher, okay? he thinks divorce is wrong. I do too, to an extent. He said my dad is so bad, it might be too late.

No, I'm not losing hope, but I'm not wanting my parents to get back together. I repeat, I DO NOT WANT MY PARENTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER. I don't want anyone thinking I do.

I don't hate my dad. He used to be there for me, I think. He'd come to softball games and such.

I talked to him yesterday. He seemed really happy to hear from me. I tried not to sound to bitter, but I found myself talking to him like a child. Sugary, sweet voice with lots of enthusiasm. I hate myself when I do that.

*sigh*

I feel like I'm whining again. I feel like I really don't have a problem and I don't deserve to rant. That's why I havent' seen my youth pastor about this yet. And people tell me I whine too much. When?? That's why I never say anything, is becasue people go "Kayla was whining to me about..." insert my problem here. I hate whining, I hate to make people listen to my problems. so instead, I write a blog. I give people he option to read it instead of talking about it. why? Because, apparently, I'm a whiner. But I know there's a problem, somewhere. Because whenever I think about all this, I want to cry. I hold it back because I don't deserve to cry. Nothing bad has happened. Is that from years of being taught denial? I never told anyone my father was emotionally and verbally abusive. and now, when I need people to listen the most, I can't say anything because they think of me as problematic drama queen. or they tell me to suck it up. Well, I'm trying, okay? I really am! I'm really trying to work through all the hurt and pain. I'm distrusting, paranoid, and I feel alone. Why do I have to be alone? Why? Huh? Can ANYONE answer that? Why is it that I can be there for everyone else, but nobody will be there for me? I have to lean on strangers at church in the bathroom after busting in there crying.

So far, not very many people have come through for me. The ones that have are family and know everything. But they're mostly there for my mom and brother, because I act like I don't have a problem. And I am trying to hold back the tears right now because I don't deserve to cry. And my mom still wants me to keep things a secret. I posted several things on my myspace and got in trouble for it. I had to take them off.

I'm so sick of hiding everything. My dad was horrible to us. He had his nice moments, but he was depressed, angry, suicidal, he called my mom names, he told us we were overweight and that we ate too much, we had no friends because of the way we were and our personalities are horrible, he told me I didn't have a boyfriend because I wasn't pretty. He told my mom that if she ever left him, he'd kill himself. He told my brother that he was fat. I could go on.

But, sorry for my whining. I'll remember in the future to keep such impulses in check and not BOTHER anyone with my dumb problems. Im sorry for being stupid and ranting in my own blog. I'll try and keep my future posts dumb and light.

Screw ya'll. Except Sarah, Stephen, Mike, Daniel, and anyone who reads and replies on an almost regular bases.

The epitome of me.

This picture says it al. I want love, but people are out of reach because I tied myself down and said "If they won't come here, they won't be loved by me."

BULL.

I'm so full of it when I'm angry at the world.

How to Save a Life?

Step one you say "we need to talk"
He walks you say "sit down it's just a talk"
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Sometimes I just sit here and wonder why my life is the way it is. I mean, these verses remind me, vaguely, of the intervention with my dad, except the words weren't so polite. In the end, it didn't help hardly at all. He lied about drinking, the money he spent. He denied he ever hurt us in any way. I wondered why I even tried to make a difference. I wondered why I even said anything.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

I remember all those days I didn't go out with my friends, those days I didn't go places with my mom and brother, just to make sure he didn't hurt himself. I knew he wouldn't do anything if I was there. But in the end...I don't know. He's supposed to be getting help. I hope and pray he is.

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

I remember the last day I saw him. He was irrational. I use that word to explain him now. Irration. I'd rather not use crazy...or deranged. Sick, ill, mentally unstable. I can't use those words. But even though we tried, he still...he still drank, he still put us down, he still made us feel worthless and ashamed of ourselves and him.

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life...

But I don't know how to save someone. Especially one who doesn't want to be saved. I am so angry at my dad. But he can't help it...he has a chemical imbalance. I don't know...I guess I'm mad that he didn't go see a doctor.

*sigh*

I'll write again later.

My weekend.

Friday, there was Night of the Stars practice. Dress rehearsal. Blech. I HATED my poodle skirt. I still do, with a fiery, FLAMING passion.

But I got to drive to church. (scary!) I also drove back (Even SCARIER!) and when I did...I nearly side-swiped a car, then after that I almost ran into a stop sign. I did better driving to and from work today. Mostly because 1) I have done it before. 2) It's not as far away and 3) it wasn't as late and I wasn't exhausted.

Saturday...PANIC! My mom had to finish my costume (Yeah...there was no poodle on the poodle skirt!) and I got dressed at the last minute. While I was putting on my makeup, a few girls came in and said the production was gonna suck. The audience was gonna get sick of it. I thought so too. I realize now, that we thought that only because he had been practicing and preparing and choreographing our dances for...3 months. We were SICk of it. Seriously. We HATED doing it. BUT...when we did it for the LAST time...it went great. I messed up a few times on the dance (I turned left when I should've turned right...I tripped a little during a turn, and I was farther back than I should've been)

But the energy was GREAT, I had a ton of fun (I acted like a total freak dancing...haha, freak dancer.) I was jumping, laughing, smiling, playing with the other actors.

Then...we find out at the end (After jake D won) that it's gonna be put on...

*GULP*

DVD!!!!!!

Then I got flowers, lol.

Sunday, I cleaned up a bit around the yard and the house, then drove to work. i was a MESS. Jon could tell soemthing was wrong. He asked me why I hadn't spoken, and I said

"You didn't hear?"

and he said "No..."

I said "My parents split up last week. I've been really--"

He came around his register and to mine and gave me this huge, warm, tight hug.

"I am SO sorry, nobody tells me anything anymore! I KNEW something was wrong!!"

He continued to hug me.

"I REALLY needed a hug." I said, laughing.

"I could tell." I let go, and so did he. "I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want to intrude, so I just asked why you weren't talking."

"Nooo, man, if you can tell I'm upset, PLEASE hug me!"

He smiled and nodded. "I will!"

So that helped. I definently perked up after that. he then told me, an hour later, that he was quitting. in 2 weeks, he won't be working there anymore. :(

I channeled my sadness and shock into stealing Jeff's hat. Jeff was underneath Jon's register, messing with Jon's laptop, and I grabbed his hat. I walked abck to my register and threw the hat underneath it. Jeff said, still underneath the register,

"Who stole my hat?"

Jon said "What?" He ruffled Jeff's hair and said "Where's your hat man?!"

Jeff stood up and said "I'm getting really pissed off. Give me back my hat, whoever took it!"

I was like "I didn't take it."

Jon said "I didn't take it! Man, you ARE pissed off!"

Jeff said, sounding a little mad, "I'm f*cking serious, give me back my damn hat!"

I grinned. Jon said "Maybe it's the chick who's looking at you with greedy, sexual seductive eyes." (he meant me. I like jeff a little)

I said "WHAT??"

Jon shrugged and smiled "I don't know what I'm saying! Did you take his hat?"

I grabbed the hat from underneath my register. Jeff said "Give me my hat back!"

I said "Say please."

"No. Give me my damn hat!"

"Please."

"I'm getting pissed off."

"Even pissed off people say please occasionally."

Jeff sighs and grabs my vitamin water.

"I'll pour it out."

"Oh I'm so scared." I tease.

He walks outside and unscrews the cap. He tilts it over slightly with a half smile. I match his tilt by holding his hat over the garbage can. He shrugs. so do I. He looks away momentarily and I take the opportunity to throw his hat to Melissa, who had the register next to mine. He saw me throw it, and he laughs. Melissa puts it on. She turns to me and I say "Cute!" and she hands it back to me. jeff had already made his way over to me and he said, almost pitifully, "Please give me my damn hat!"

I grab the vitamin water and walk to my register.

"Kayla!"

I said "But it's such an awful hat. I mean, Longhorns? Please. It's sad!" I hand the poor baby his hat. He grabs it.

"That's so old, Kayla."

"I've only done it 3 times."

"Nobody in my family does that to me."

I'm not related to you."

"Well, I mean, none of my friends do it to me."

"I'm not a friend!"

"Well, there. So there. Fine!"



10 minutes later he walks by my register. I grab his arm and he gives an exesperated sigh. I clasped my hands around the back of his neck and I say "I'm sorry for taking your hat."

He wraps his arms around my waist.

"It's cool. It's alright, really."

I tilt my head. "I only do it cuz I think you're cute."

He laughs and says "Oh, okay!" and I let go. Right then I had this really huge urge to ask him out. *sigh* But I fought it. I know he thinks I'm ridiculous. I think he's a little boring. He studies on the weekdays and works on the weekends. Sometimes he goes out with his friends. But I'd like to get to know him better. We started talking about movies. He likes horror (like me) and those awesome action movies. total guy. A boring guy, but...lol.

Anyways, that was my weekend. I usually enjoy talking with Jeff. Sometimes we take breaks together. He seems pretty cool. except for the anger thing about his hat (somebody important must've given it to him) he seems really nice.

Later, the 2 people who read my blog! XD

Thanks for the Memories.

Fall Out Boy Lyrics

Fall Out Boy Lyrics

GAHH.

I'm so tired of everything.

*sigh*

I'm going to have to see a counseler soon.

Mother's Day

1 am instead of 2, LAWL.

So...I'm up at 1 am, listening to Fall Out Boy (Sorry, Mikey-poo.) Wondering why...alot.

I think my mom actually had a better Mother's Day than the last 5 years...my dad insists on picking fights with her though. She'll be perfectly nice to him and he'll find some "attitude" that she has. Honestly. I should record it.

Honestly, Fall Out Boy really soothes me.

I am an arms dealer.
Fitting you with weapons in the form of words
And don't really care, which side wins
As long as the room keeps singing
That's just the business I'm in

This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
I'm not a shoulder to cry on, but I digress

I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate
I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate

I wrote the gospel of giving up
(You look pretty sinking)
But the real bombshells have already sunk
(Pre-Madonnas of the gutter)
At night we're painting your trash gold while you sleep
Crashing not like hips or cars
No, more like p-p-p-parties

This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

Bandwagon's full. Please, catch another

I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate
I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate

All the boys who the dance floor didn't love
And all the girls whose hips couldn't move fast enough
Sing until your lungs give out

This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
(Now you)
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
(Wear out the groove)
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
(Sing out loud)
This ain't a scene, it’s a god damn arms race
(Oh, oh)
This ain't a scene, it's a god damn arms race

I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate
I'm a leading man
And the lies I weave are oh so intricate, oh so intricate

This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race Lyrics

tired tired tired....

Of course I'm tired. I'm up, again,at nearly 2 am. A reprucussion of staying to 3:30 last night.

I"m feeling alot better now though. Posting that blog last night really helped. Alot. Not only did I type out my very feelings, in a nutshell, haha, but I also alerted the people I know, whether I thought they'd take it seriously or not, to what I was going through.

That's one brick.

The light from that one brick hurts my eyes, but I know it's for the best.

Today, during NOTS practive, I didn't flinch when Nolen (gnolend? Knowlend??!) hugged me. Instead, I grit my teeth and hugged him back. I actually felt much better. Hugs are good for tense stomachs and achy hearts.

That's another brick.

It's alot harder than it sounds. But it's alot easier than I'm making it.

Sometimes, I wish I could just shrink inside myself. Disappear into nothingness, be back when the hard time are over. But it doesn't work like that. Thank God. because if it did, I'd have no character.

it's an old analogy, but when we're born, we're a block of wood. Whether you beleive in God or not, everything that we're struggling with, everything little piece of crap that gets tossed our way, sure, it hits us, and it hits us hard and takes a big chunk of us, but after awhile that block of wood that was us becomes something you never thought it could be. The only differance between us adn a regular block of wood is, we get to choose what piece of us is taken away.

Our innocence?

Our vitality?

self esteem?

Faith?

Love for others?

Our will to live.

After all of this, I might still be able to trust other people. I'm trying to get that back. People ahve hurt me in big ways and little ways. Chipped my outlook on people away a little bit at a time or shattered it completely. I could've picked up the pieces, got some superglue and duct-tape, put everything back together and moved on. But I chose to stare at the pieces with a wide open mouth and go "WHY??" And that doesn't solve anything.

But like my blog says...that Anberlin song (I love that song!)

"Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in dischord, praise ye the Lord."

Jesus Jesus Jesus, my Lord and Savior, praise be to You, who gives me hard times so that I might be the best block of wood I can be.

Chapter 1: Stalker

For a few months I've been trying to get this guy to leave me alone. For awhile it worked.

I remember when we first met. Bob Smiley was performing, and a girl named Christina had invited him to come watch him, so Matt came (because she's pretty.) We sat next to each other and cracked up. Afterwards we talked a bit, and I said he should come back. 2 weeks later he did. we talked, and we had alot of things in common. We both liked Evanescence and country music. He also confessed to me that he cut. I (being the empathic I am) felt sorry for him and said that he didn't have to do that. He invited me to his birthday party that following weekend and I came. I thought "Finally, a guy I can just hang out with."

That's where it went downhill. The party.

Luckily he didn't try and make any moves on me, but he did seem to be more...friendly. I waved the worried thoughts away, thinking it was no big deal. He touched my leg a few times, my arms too, softly, but that was it. I'd shrug his hand away and he'd stop for a bit.

The following Wednesdays, he became more and more touchy-feely. my face, my leg, my shoulders, back, knees, hair, arms, hands, calves, stomach...I'd tell him to stop (this was all during youth-group, during worship or the message) and he would for a few seconds...but he'd start right back up again.

I started thinking "oh my god...this is not happening...again..."

I decided to take action. My action was...no action. Don't go to church, don't go outside (he said he knew where I lived.) Don't answer the phone (I had called him to ask where his house was) delete him from my myspace (along with his sister, who had asked me out several times too.) and just stay inside. No grocery stores (he could be lurking in the Electronics isle at wal-Mart!!) no church (he waited in the hall for me) No outside, nothing.

Just. Stay. Put.

I became paranoid, obsessed with making sure I never went anywhere he might be. I had nightmares of him touching me, those wild, cold blue eyes looking at me accusingly, asking me where I've been, why I didn't talk to him anymore.

But ala, Wednesday came again. I had to go to church. My mother made me.

I got sick. Pale skin. Shaky hands. Bloodshot eyes. The kids in my church gave me worried looks. But nobody asked except Jake M.

"Kayla, are you okay?"

I shook my head, and then bought a t-shirt from him.

Matt found me. I heaved and said "I don't feel very well." and ran to the bathroom. I didn't get sick, but I just waited there until service started. I came out, and there he was, waiting for me.

I didn't talk, just went and sat down. Back row. Like always.

And it started.

First,he'd lean his head on me. I'd shrug it off. Then he'd scoot closer and run his finger up and down my thigh. I'd brush his hand away. He'd caress my shoulder. I'd move my arm. I'd say "Quit it, alright? I'm trying to concentrate." and he'd stop.

Next song, though, he'd start up again. Same routine. Same reaction from me. Next song, same thing. when the message came, I'd pretend to be engrossed in the sermon when I was really concentrating on keeping his hands off of me. He'd inch his hand over to me, and the whole time I'm trying to figure out why he's doing this.

I would say no male has ever touched me like that but...that would be a lie.

I never can understand why people want to hurt each other, especially in a personal way like that.

This went on for a few Wednesdays. Maybe he thought it was okay. But I don't. That night was the final straw.

The following weekend I was going to Colorado on a ski trip with my church group for Spring Break. A few nights before, I learn that my mom had told Jake to watch over me. I was grateful for the thought, but I wanted to take care of this myself. so I approached him.

I was nervous. I had kept to myself mostly, and the last time i had talked to Jake, I was apologizing for throwing a snowball at his crotch--and hitting my mark. That was the beginning of the week. It was now the last day, and we had stopped at CiCi's on the way home.

"Jake, uhm...can I talk to you?"

"Sure." he put anothe slice of pizza on his plate. "What's up?"

I swallow. "Uh...I know my mom asked you to watch over me, but I just wanted you to know that you're not obliged to do anything and she only wants what's best for me and I hope you don't feel any obligations to help me out or anything because if you don't I totally understand and I guess that's what I wanted to say." I more or less sputter.

His answer shocked me. alot. I nearly fainted.

"No, I want to." (WHAA??)

I said "HUH?" (I really did.)

He replied, a little heated "You know, it really pisses me off when guys do things to a girl that she doesn't like. You don't need to be treated like that. I'll help you out, and it's because I want to. I'll do what I can."

I nearly started crying. At this point, I knew not all guys were evil, conniving, sadistic and horny bastards. I just didn't think I knew any decent guys.

I said (stuttered) "Thank you! You have no clue...oh my god...just..thank you."

He smiled. "No problem."

I got more pizza (victory slice!) and sat down. I used that time to compose myself and thank my Heavenly Father that I knew Jake M.

he helped. He really did. Not only did he talk to me when Matt would get too close (he has eyes like a hawk, haha.) But he'd just hang close. Or he'd call me over to talk to him. He'd message me on myspace and tell me not to worry, if I wanted him to say something to Matt, he'd do it in a heartbeat.

But, like all heroes, Jake couldn't be everywhere.

The drama died down. Matt got the hint and left me alone. In came a new villian. His sister. Melissa. This time, I tried to be a hero on my on, and not need a knight in shining white armor.

Melissa asked me what why Matt and i weren't talking. She said he wanted to know. I said "Okay. You'd look so much better as a white blonde."

I guess she thought I was hitting on her, because she giggled. I then walked away and sat in my seat. Away from Matt, melissa, and their posse.

for the next few weeks, I'd come in late, sit down in the most available seat, and run out right after the message. avoid him at all costs. even though I missed my church friends, I couldn't let him ge to me. Not physically at least.

Today though....No sister. No Jake either. Just my friends alyssa and Danielle. But even though they're heroes too, they can't be everwhere. During the greeting, he made his way over to me. I turned around and greeted an newcomer. Someone waylaid him. I ran to the other side of the rom and greeted another person. he tried to follow me, but another person greeted him. I repeated this until it was time to sit.

And afterwards, I didn't run. I signed up for VBS drama.

Then I ran.

Out the doors, up the stairs, and almost into a few people. I was panting at the top, but satisfied that I got away.

But here I am now, at 2 am, typing this all, because I'm afraid to go to sleep.

I've been sexually assaulted twice before this. Once when I was 5, another when I was 12. I remember I had a dream about it when I was 5, bu when I was 12...it nearly drove me nuts. I questioned everythng--my life, my sexuality, my faith, the existance of God--Everything. I was so confused and lost...

But I know God never gives us more than we can handle. I knew that if this was being thrown at me, surely I'd cath it and handle it with care.

So half an hour later, I am not typing because I am afraid, I'm typing to get all of this out. The biggest mistake I always make is assuming that nobody will listen. Even if I tell10 people, and only 1 listens to me, that's still a person I can trust. That's my big thing. trust. I didn't trust my mom with this information. I didn't tell my parents abut this, and they were telling me if I liked him, it was okay to date him. I didn't let anyone know what was going on until it was too late. I didn't trust Jake to help me, I didn't trust my youth leader to step in, I didn't trust my family to be there for me, and most of all, I didn't trust God.

I should know by now, if there's anoyone who should be trusted, it's God.

What a sad human being I am. No trust, always paranoid, always wondering whether one day I'll pul one brick out and maybe, just mabe, let another person look inside my cold, dark small living space I call a heart, where I cower under the covers like I did whe I was 5. Maybe, one day I will. Maybe that person will bring a flashlight and a blanket and a box of tissues.

Maybe that person has already come, but I don't want to pull out my brick.

I've decided...

To put my blogs down as if I was writing a book. An auto-biography, if you will.

Starting tommorrow.