No I can't....let....go...

I feel so alone - again.

I know that I need you...

To help me make it through the night.

Cuz I pray that you... believe - in me.

You gave me my strength...To face another day alone.

N' I need you now, my friend.

More than you know, yeah yeah.

When will we meet again?Cuz I can't let go... of you.

This world brings me down - again.

I know that I need you...

To help me make it through the night.

Cuz I know that you're the one - for me

You gave me my strength...

To face another day alone.

N' I need you now, my friend

More than you know, yeah yeah.

When will we meet again?

Cuz I can't let go.I can't let go.

As time passes by I find...Things never seem to change.When I feel alone,You bring me back to you.

N' I need you now, my friend.

More than you know, yeah yeah.

When will we meet again?

Cuz I can't let go... of you.No I can't - let - go.

As time passes by I'm slowly realizing that I DO need people--no matter how much I hate it....we all need each other. I need encouragement....and that wouldn't happen if I was alone. I have a need to help others. Someone falls, I rush over to pick them up. Even (especially) complete strangers.

I feel as though I could be easily replaced. So I'm trying to have that same view on others. I hate that though!

I need you now, my friend...more than you know...

I also realized my need for love--I've been depriving myself of it for so long! Hiding my feeligns, acting like I was made of stone when I'm no softer than a bunny!!!! I'm just as scared too. Shake up my cage too much I'll die of fright.

I just don't understand why...I felt like I had to be like that. I wasn't being strong for anyone. No one knew what I was going though. Maybe I was trying to be strong for myself.

I still feel like there's no one out there for me. Maybe there's not. Don't get me wrong...I want there to be someone out there for me. I think that's why I'm eager to date.

JJ is not helping either. I'm desperately hoping he likes me too. If I'm reading the signs right, he just may. But if I'm reading the signs another way...he doesn't like me. Sure he talks to me alot, comes up and tells me random things, and looks at me as he skates by...kind of shows off...but I'd feel too conceited to think he did. I like him SO MUCH....gahh I really do.

You know, I hugged him for the first time today. I've known him for like 2 months and it's the first time I've hugged him. It was like for half a second, but that's it. fine with me, lol.

I think the sky must know...

I just realized that I've never had the "We're just friends, nothing more" talk with any guy. I guess with me it's implied.

It still, for some reason, hurts a lot that I've never been romantically pursued by a guy. It's like, okay, well, my FAMILY thinks I'm pretty. My FAMILY thinks I'm smart. My FAMILY thinks I'm a great catch.

So, like...what? Does that mean for the rest of my life, nobody but my family is gonna think that I'm a great girl?

I just don't think it's fair that I'm gonna spend allot of my life hearing how great I am with no results. I'm trying to fix myself up, I'm trying to make myself more appealing, I'm flirting (very subtly though. Outright throwing yourself at a guy is just pathetic.) a teensy bit. I feel bad for doing that, but I don't flirt with guys I have no interest in. I only flirt so little that the guy doesn't consider it flirting. But I do.

I just realized how many times I said the word "I". Yikes.

It's pouring down outside right now. I just wanna go outside and stand in the rain. Benjamin has been stuck in ym head for like a week.

"Rain falls outside...I think the sky must know what's happening tonight..."

I feel awful. And this spot in my eye is making things more difficult still. I thought I'd get used to it by now, though it hasn't been very long. I'm no longer stressed about anything. My job's going well, I'm making more friends at work and bowling and church.

I think I know what it is. I'm having alot of trouble with my hormones. And I'm afraid I'm going to follow in the footseps of my family..... I had a talk with John and it really helped. We're alot alike. It makes me feel safe that he thinks of me as a sister...just him though. If any other guy thinks of me as a sister, it's an insult (unless he's significantly older than me....say...over 21.) and it makes me wonder what's wrong with me.

Lately I've been wearing alot of makeup--eyeliner, mascara, base, eyeshadow. Fixing my hair every day, picking out my clothes the night before (in some cases, lol) Things I normaly wouldn't care about.

I hate myself for this. I hate myself for wanting to please guys I know don't even care about me. *ahem* Won't EVER care about me. It's like I'm two people--one's rational, one's not.

"Why am I doing this? Nobody cares."

"Yes they do."

"No they don't."

I'm in a continuous argument with myself. I want to dress up, but for me, that's exactly what it is--dressing up. I'd be in a costume, being someone I'm not. I'm NOT a makeup kind of girl. I'm not a people pleaser when it comes to wearing makeup. My mom tells me I should "start caring about how I look." It's not like I walk around in sweats and pajamas! Why do I always have t be dressed up?? Mascara makes my eyes runny, and I can't wear colored lip gloss or any kind of lipstick because my lips are too full. I'd look like I had oversized lips. I have to wear clear gloss. Even pink gloss is stretching it!

I will admit though, I am enjoying this black hair. Several guys at bowling (though not the kind of guys I'd really hang out with) told me I looked pretty. At one point, one even gave me a high five (I don't even remember what about.) and apparently they know my name. I do't know theirs, but they know mine. It's weird. Oh well. The attention will cease next week.

I'm thinking....well, it's getting kinda hard to hold on and hold out for my future husband. I'm beginning to become selfish, and that's the last thing I want. My needs, my wants, my desires......if I make a mistake, would he even have me?

Mike talks about his future wife ALL OF THE TIME....so does Ryan....I think about my future husband a ton. What's he gonna be like? When are we gonna meet? Have we met already? Does he like cats? (YES I do ask that!)I hope we haven't met yet. I'm not doing very good right now. I'm too human. I want him to see me as an adult, with a job, and a good heart, all grown up.
I know I'll meet him when I'm ready, I'll never be NOT ready for whatever comes my way. God never gives me too much. I can always stand what He's throwing my way. He always lets me know that I can't do it by myself though.

*sigh*

I never thought I'd be the one helping a friend with a huge problem like alchohol or drugs or sex or anything.

My friend has helped me alot in the past year. I didn't do alot of things because he told me it was okay...it was okay to feel insecure, scared, paranoid and frightened. But he also told me that God is always with me. He told me that it was silly to think that people wouldn't like me because of my past.

Pray for him. Pray that he has the strength and wisdom to keep going on. Pray that he attains it.

hgfghjhgt

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REASONS and I've cracked too.

I'm so sick of being human. I wish I was a frog or something.

No wait...frog's livs are scary. I could get get eaten by a fish!!!! Or another frog!!!!!!
Yikes. Nevermind.

But at least I'd never have to worry about if I was as pretty as the other girl frogs. They all U-G-L-Y. :D

I feel lik I'm too young to be feeling this way, but then if I don't feel this way, I feel like I'm not caught up with my peers. I will forever be perceived as a little girl.

Why am I spending so much time on my looks when I know they don't matter?

Answer: Becuase they seem to matter infinitely to everyone else. To everyone they don't matter to, I'm not mature enough.

Why?

Because I don't watch R movies on a regular bases?

Because I don't curse or swear?

Because I don't drink beer or smoke or do drugs?

Because I don't do things a "normal" teenager does?

Since when is it normal to be messed up?

But I am percieved as "abnormal" or "too normal". I am thought of as young and inexperianced. True I'm not allowed to go out on dates unsupervised. But yesterday I went to the movies with a guy friend and had tons of fun. We didn't have parents around, and we had fun. True I've never been kissed, I'm modest with my clothes and how I act. But does that make me prude?

No.

It makes me careful. It doens't make me scared or afraid of the world. it makes me careful to not get into the situations I've seen my friends and families get into. I learn from their mistakes and my past ones. That way, if something happens to me, it won't be my fault.

There's a reason for me doing the things I do. I'll explain it ALL right here. if you've ever wondered about me, why I don't have a boyfriend or don't act like a slut like everyone else (except Lyndsey. You're not a slut.) HERE IT IS!!!!!!

REASONS WHY I AM THE WAY I AM

I don't like to be touched.
Reason:: Because I just don't. Don't touch me unless I touch you first. You touch me first, in any way (hugging, pat on the back, head, etc.) I will stiffen up or move away. If I touch you, that means I trust you. If I let you hug me and we've just met, I don't want to offend you. But next time I'll ask to not be touched.

I don't go out with my friends.
Reason:: I don't know where they are half the time. Seriously. They're 6 times busier than I am. I try and make plans, they've got something going on that day. Vise versa.

I don't go outside alot.
Reason::I have a sun allergy. It turns my skin white and stays white. Leave me alone.

I don't dress like a whore.
Reason:: Honestly, I don't have the body for it. And it would defeat the purpose of reason 1 (not liking to be touched.) I have enough freaky old guys winking at me. why would I give them a reason to catcall and grab my butt?

I don't talk alot.
Reason:: Because i don't trust anyone anymore. Next.

I don't trust anyone.
Reason::Because nobody is trustworthy. They tell my mom, who in turn gets mad at me for feeling a certain way. So I trust nobody and don't talk about anything unless I trust them. Which those people are few.

I don't drink.
Reason:: Unlike alot of my friends, I obey the law. I'm not a goody-two-shoes. I jsut don't want to stay in jail because I know my mother wouldn't bail me out. Neither would my father. I only get one phone call.

I don't do drugs.
Reason:: Because I'm not a retard. I DO think about the future. If ever called on trial to help somebody, The fact if I had done drugs or not would be called to question. my character would be diminished if I had. I would be letting down the person I meant to help.

I don't smoke.
Reason:: My grandfather died from lung cancer. I wasn't allowed to see him the last 2 months of his life. I never got to say goodbye. I wouldn't let that happen to my family.

I don't have a boyfriend, and have never before.
Reason:: For awhile I had trouble with my sexual identity. But I'm straight. I didn't get a boyfriend or a girlfriend until i was sure. Unlike others, I didn't experiment. I could catch an STD from that! Instead, I prayed. Yes, I prayed.
I won't deny that from time to time I feel attracted to girls. But that's nothing more than lust. I go for love, baby. It's better. whenever I feel like that, I just pray.




I have alot of reasons for several different things. I haven't explained a little of myself. But do I really owe an explanation? Yeah...i think I do sometimes.

Benjamin.

Rain falls outside
I think the sky must know whats happening tonight.
Children born while fathers die.
It's that circle of life that we all live in time,
and we've been friends for a long, long time
So if you can't talk, just cry. . .
And know that we will talk on the other side.


It's bitter cold outside
but the sun still shines cuz' we can feel it....
Benjamin you mark the life,
that's been left behind,
we see him in your eyes

and we will be friends for a long, long time,
so until you can talk, just cry. . .
And know that we will will talk for the rest of our lives

and he gives and he takes
and it makes us strong when he gives,
he takes and it makes us strong
when he gives,
and he takesand it makes us strong when he gives,
he takes
and he makes and it makes us strong
cuz we will be friends for a long, long time
so until you can talk,
just cry
and know that we will talk for the rest of our lives....
cuz we will be friends for a long, long time
So until you can talk just cry
And know that we will talk for the rest of our lives
Just know that we'll be friends for the rest of our lives.

Ahhh, heartbreak...been too short.

It seems petty to me even as I'm feeling it. it seems cliche too. I like this guy, but he's already found another girl. I'm heartbroken, he feels bad, blah blah blah. it's stupid. I should jsut keep my feelings to myself from now on. I can't stop myself from feeling things, but I can stop expressing them. Not very many people can read body languauge accurately enough.